@Hellraisinbgrrl: They were called Jumpolines until your Mom got on one.
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@ericsshadow: ME: have you seen my keys? WIFE: check your pockets ME: nope [phone rings] ME: hello? CIA: check your other pocket
@Tmoney68: Son: When did u know you were old? Me: When I started saying 'congratulations' to friends who said they were pregnant instead of 'oh shit.'
@joerogan: That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we're flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.