They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
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*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
But is it really??
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip