They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?