They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra