Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
The Compass
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.