Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
You Might Also Like
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”