goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Had an epiphany today.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious