‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
You Might Also Like
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Worlds greatest photobomb
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already