I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
groan^2
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Oops
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much