Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
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I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Feels
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat