Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
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What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*