Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
the saddest jazz hands ever
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
you have three unread messages
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Meow
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]