How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
You Might Also Like
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.