Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*