Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING