Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
saw this in a dream
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.