@TheTweetOfGod: Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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@Crunch11b: Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
@philyuck: "Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred." "So just the normal way you make a martini then?" "That's right."
@envydatropic: Why? How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I'm doing tonight Related - I never babysit
@RuffaloShuffle: *Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo* "May divorce be with you" "What?" "Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I'd make it fun"