@Manda_like_wine: What's the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

@AlexRogaski: [Me as 911 Operator] *phone rings* I wait for it to stop ringing and text back "what's up"

@lisaxy424: Anyone: I'm cold Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I'm not your mother Dog: *shivers once* Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

@GreenishDuck: Sure I'll eat square slices of pizza, but I'm thinking of triangular ones the whole time.

@blade_funner: Me: It's ok if they stay a little damp Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES