@TheTweetOfGod: Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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@HFromTheNam: Husband:-"So when you starting back at the gym"? Me:-"Why"? H:-"Because you need to" His funeral takes place next week.
@DirtyySouthMess: [To police.] "I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve." "What'd he do?" "Warmed up fish in the office microwave." "...Cuff him."