Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

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@TheTweetOfGod: Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

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@ashlar36: Grandma: what's oversharing? Me: It's when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

@abbycohenwl: Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

@TheWriteStuff2u: Dyslexics are teople poo!

@fricken_jess: Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit - how Game of Thrones started, probably.

@ItsAndyRyan: [Library] MAN: Do you have books on fire? LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section MAN: Come on boys! *Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

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