These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
You Might Also Like
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
#Caturday
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.