Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.