Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Somebody call the cops.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.