Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
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I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
What even happened today?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend