Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
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If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.