Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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(by @ZachWeiner )
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting