Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
remember
only for emergencies
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?