Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”