Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.