*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
adam and eve had first world problems
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not