I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel