@tsm560: *thinks happy thoughts*
*throws pixie dust in your eyes*
*flies off with all your money*
@bourgeoisalien: I'm so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
@shanethevein: The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said "Not in front of the wife".
@NicestHippo: "So did you get lucky last night?"
You better believe it!
[flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]
@Ristolable: If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away