Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
socratic questions
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
This tree does a lot of weird exercises