So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.