*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Dune (2021)
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.