HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?