professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
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cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
@ candidates for local office
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.