This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.