@MrSandeepP: This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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@TheCatWhisprer: Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
@Pirate_nurse: I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won't judge u for making a beautiful rug
@stephenjmolloy: Dude: You got a light? Me: Sure. *hand him a flashlight* Dude: I mean for my cigarette. Me: Yeah, he can use it.
@thebeckyard: I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.