This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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Traveler’s camo
Hank is one in a melon.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”