This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
work smarter, not harder
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Breaking news:
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals