This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics