This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys