This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”