You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
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GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.