This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
A new level of troll.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.