Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.