@YesThatAmy: This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What's your name? What's your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?
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@better_off_dad: *reading note from son: 'Can I borrow your car later?' *response: 'You spelled 'wash' wrong. But yes.'
@Juan_Incognito: I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.