Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan