@chrissyteigen: This chick has zero faith in me as a human person
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@MarionDowling: Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I've gone.
@murrman5: [roommate hears me come in] "how was the date?" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish
@samfromks: My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.