This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.