This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
being a writer on Twitter:
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago