@ramenfuneral: sent someone a text that said "you need medieval catheter" when i actually meant "medical attention" and i didn't bother correcting myself
@david8hughes: [interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won't work weekends
@UncleDuke1969: Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today's clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
@chimneyspotter: DATE: ...so that's how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
COMMENTS