@jaggings: Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you're asleep

@UNTRESOR: Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

@AbbyHasIssues: I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@therealeatwood: JONATHAN EDWARDS: God abhors a sinner and holds him over the flames of hell like some loathsome insect LOATHSOME INSECT: Wow I’m right here

@maxlavergne: your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice