This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
drew a comic about my origin story
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬