My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
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*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did