My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
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i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Who says great literature is dead?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it