This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
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[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
You better watch out
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
How funny!
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.