@OhNoSheTwitnt: This creepy guy at work calls me "hun" despite knowing my real name so I've started calling him Mulan.
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@lanyardigan: Now imagine how close together the presidents' bodies are, under their Mount Rushmore heads.
@Eightinchgoat: Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.
@Marlebean: "I should probably start filling this thing out." -I say about my son's baby memory book on his wedding day.
@girl_a_whirl: A spider crawled on my son's hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.