This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
You Might Also Like
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.