This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
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So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
The Joker was right
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what