This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
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Practicing safe sax
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses