This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks